Kadaj in the Cupboard
by Vermillion Serpent
Summary: In case you're wondering; Kadaj lives in my cupboard. No, don't ask me why - I honestly don't have the slightest clue and neither does Cloud. It's not a willing thing.. not on my part really. I just.. can't throw him out. Clack. Twoshot.
1. Chapter 1: Ifribomut

**Kadaj in the Cupboard - A Final Fantasy VII Fanfic  
><strong>

**Genre: Humour/Romance  
><strong>

**Rating: T**

**Authoress: Loki((/Mana))**

**Notes: **Absolute random crack written from a role play between me and my friend, Mana. The pairing here IS Clack but it's not essentially the main focus of the story. This is a twoshot until further notice.

_**Disclaimer: **_I own no characters or settings portrayed in this piece.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 1: Ifribomut<strong>

I hit the floor and groaned. It's not the first time Cloud has pushed me out of bed but it still hurts like a Cactuar. I sit up nursing the bump on my head and complaining quietly so I don't wake my bed's second occupant. He's cute when he's asleep but not when he gets woken up too early. Then he's in no way a chocobo. Try Bahamut.. no Ifrit. Bahamuts are friendly sometimes.  
>A creak and click distract me from my thoughts and I turn my head towards it grumpily.<br>"Zack, are you okay?" I grunt, showing light annoyance at the silver head poking out of my cupboard. He huffs and folds his arms tightly, "I was only asking."  
>"I'm fine, okay?" I tell him, shaking my head and standing up. I push Cloud to the side gently and slide between the sheets beside him. I hear the silver haired being in my cupboard close the door mumbling to himself and shake my head lightly.<br>In case you're wondering; Kadaj lives in my cupboard. No, don't ask me why - I honestly don't have the slightest clue and neither does Cloud. It's not a willing thing.. not on my part really. I just.. can't throw him out.  
>I wrap my arm around Cloud's waist and cuddle him tightly. He's so warm and soft and-<br>"ACHOOO!" I nearly jumped out of the fikken bed! Jeez that stupid-Jenova-raping-son-of-a-, "Sorry about that!" Kadaj calls. I hear Cloud groan loudly. Oh God.. Ifrit time..  
>"I'm gonna kill him.." he groans sounding extremely agitated. I nod.<br>"Same."  
>"Get rid of him."<br>I sigh, "I will do.." I hear him thank me and I sit up and rub my eyes in a tired fashion before standing and heading over to the cupboard, this time rubbing the back of my head. I kneel down beside the door and sigh again. I do this a lot. I really don't like having to kick people out.. I'm more of a welcome in guy. But Cloud's my boyfriend and if he's not happy.. I've got to try and make him happy.  
>"Hey, Kad-OWW!" I reel back clutching my nose as a streak of pain shoots back into my head. Man, that frikken hurt!<br>"Oh, Zack, I'm so sorry!" I feel Kadaj's bony hands all over me, fussing over my throbbing nose. It's a wonder it's not bleeding!  
>"Zack!" Now Cloud is over too and I feel his warm hands holding onto my own, trying to pull my hand away to see the damage, "What happened?" he asks. I open my eyes and see his pretty blue eyes staring into mine and the pain melts away. Cloud's eyes do that. Aren't they amazing? They're like beings in themselves. Magical shaman with healing abilities.. Oh God, I think the hit made me loose it.. I shake my head to rid it of the thoughts and answer him.<br>"Flippin' hit me in the face." Kadaj puts his hands on his hips and blows his cheeks up.  
>"Actually, you walked into the door." he tells me in a 'matter-of-factly' tone.<br>"Kadaj, shut up." Cloud told him! Ha! "Come on Zack, you need ice?" I nod. Ice sounds good. It's cold. It'll stop the shooting pains. Cloud helps me up and Kadaj bounces slightly.  
>"I have ice!" he says happily, holding out a blizaga materia. Well.. it's a good idea, i'll give him that one.<br>"No." Ooh Cloud's tone there's icy enough to cool my nose off!  
>"But.." Kadaj's eyes grow wide, not as wide as Cloud's can go but they're still darn cute.<br>"Cloud.. he's trying to help.. let him." I fix my eyes on Cloud. I often talk about other people's eyes being cute, well mine are damn sexy. No-one can resist my eyes, not even my little chocobo. His icy mood melts slightly and out of the corner of my eye I can see Kadaj doing some kind of weird happy dance.  
>"Do you honestly trust him?" Cloud asks me, looking hopeless. I shrug.<br>"Here's you're ice, Zack." Kadaj told me, holding up the materia and activating it. There's no harm in trying, I mean what's the worst that could happen?  
>Okay.<br>Maybe that.  
>I stumble back a little.<br>My face is now an iceberg.  
>Lovely.<br>At least the pain is gone.  
>I hear Cloud's 'I told you so' and slump my shoulders as an 'I know.' He asks me if I want him to sort it out so I nodd and he pulls me out of the room and down to the kitchen. I vaguely hear him through the ice, talking about the oven and I guess what I'll have to do. I groan loudly and he puts his hands on his hips. It's pretty hot when he does that.<br>"It's that or Firaga in your face." he tells me pointedly. I wince mentally. That's not a pleasant alternative at all. I point to the oven and he nods and goes over to it. The oven itself is powered by Firaga materia so it heats up pretty fast. Cloud opened the door and I bend down to it, feeling the warmth on my non-frozen neck.  
>"You'll have to put your head in further than that, Zack." he says. I sigh with my shoulders and stick my head into the oven. Thank God this isn't someone like Sephiroth or even worse, Reno. My street cred would be out of the window and the picture would be all over Midgar! I'd have to cover my head with a bag and walk in shame for the rest of my life! Well.. until I become a hero. Then people will copy me, thinking it's the new latest craze or the cool thing that heroes do.<br>I test my mouth briefly. It's still frozen.  
>I wait for another few minutes. This is really very boring. It's like waiting for paint to dry.. only it's on your face which is slowly getting warmer and wetter.. is that a word? Either way I test my mouth again and voice my opinion.<br>"Booooorrrreeeddd.." I groan. My mouth's working! Oh yeah!  
>"You would get Kadaj to help you." Cloud replied smugly.<br>"Shut up." I told him, pulling my head out of the oven and standing, stretching my back.  
>"Right. You can go and throw that stupid remnant out now." Cloud told me.<br>I nod briefly, "Yeah.. will do.."  
>"And don't hit you're head this time." I nod. Good advice there, "Does your nose still hurt?" he asks, looking over it. I weigh between yes and no before telling him a little bit to which he nods and tells me "Alright, whilst you're throwing Kadaj out I'll get you an ice pack." I nod to that. Ice pack sounds better than Blizaga in the face. I'm not sticking my head into another oven. Full Stop.<br>I thank Cloud and head back up to our room and walk in on him pacing and hugging the box with his mother's head, Jenova, inside. It's kind of creepy how he does that. It's like a teddy bear to him.. only.. far more sadistic.. and creepy..  
>He sees me watching him and jumps over to me, "Zack! I'm really sorry, I just got over excited!" Tell me about it.<br>"Yeah, yeah yeah, it's fine Kadaj.. but.." I can't look at him. I hate throwing people out! It's like telling a puppy 'sorry no you can't have the spare nice warm pillow on my bed that's never used because I just don't want you there. Go sleep outside in the cold.' I mean come on! You couldn't do that to a puppy, could you!  
>"Please don't hate me." I look up at Kadaj and he's gone all doe-eyed on me again. Damnit! I can't resist those! Especially when he has the same eyes as Cloud! I look down again.<br>"I'm sorry Kadaj.. but you're gonna have to leave.." There I said it! I dare a glance at him and oh God his eyes are even wider! Stop being friggen cute!  
>"But.. I don't have anywhere else to live!"<br>"You're gonna have to find somewhere.."  
>"But I can't! I tried and I can't!"<br>"I'm sorry."  
>"Please don't throw me out!" He falls to his knees and clutches my leg. Ooh this is awkward.<br>"Kadaj.. I have to.."  
>"Please let me stay!" he cries clutching my leg, "I've never been a problem before!"<br>"I know.. but things have changed and.. because of the circumstances you.. have to go." He looks up at me, tearstained and doe-eyed again.  
>"It's because of Cloud.. isn't it?" he squeaks. "He just hates me! If it was.. if it was Tifa living in your cupboard he wouldn't care!"<br>"Kadaj.."  
>"Please!"<br>"Kadaj, I'll help you find somewhere.. you can't stay here.."  
>"ICANICANICANICANICANICANICAN! IWANTTOSTAYWITHYOUUUUU!" I wince lightly.<br>"Why would you want to stay with me anyway?" I hesitate to ask. For all I know it could be to watch me sleep or-  
>"Because I love you!" Wait. What?<br>"What?" I feel my eyes widen.  
>"You're like my father! I love my father like I love mother!" Oh fizzle don't say that.. He doesn't actually have a father either- NO! Zack, stop reading into it, think of Cloud.<br>"Please don't make me go.. I'll be a good remnant, I promise!" Again he watches me with bright puppy eyes.. Oh God, don't think of the puppy. Don't think of the puppy. Don't think of the poor homeless puppy. Damnit.  
>I sigh dejectedly, "Fine.. just don't tell Cloud." He nods rapidly and hugs me tightly thanking me over and over again, "Right.. now get back in your home."<br>He scrambles back into his cupboard with a happy giggle and I sigh heavily, leaning against the wall. I really could use that ice right now..  
>"Here's your ice, Zack" Oh sweet Gaia thank convenience. I nod my thanks and take the ice; gingerly pressing it to my nose and relish the cooling feeling it has.<br>"Is Kadaj gone?" Ice has lost it's effect.  
>Now I have to lie to Cloud! I hate lying to him, "..y..yeah.." I avoid his eyes by playing with the ice pack a little.<br>"Did he give you a hard time or something?" he asks, tilting his head lightly.  
>"A very hard time." That's not a lie, that wasn't hard... just no more questions..<br>"Bastard." he says bitterly, hugging me. I hug him back, greatful for the affection. "At least he's gone now. We can get some sleep." he tells me, smiling lightly. I nod and agree, pulling him down onto the bed with me. He smirks and kisses me lightly and I smile. He's got such sweet lips, I can't help but kiss him back and taste them again. He's one addictive guy, my Cloud is. I lie back onto the bed and cuddle up against him, yawning and closing my eyes. From what I can guess he does the same and slowly we fall asleep.  
>Well. Cloud does. I'm just about to drift off when I hear a small creak in the corner. Can you guess what it is? Well if you guessed that it could be Reno sneaking into my room to rape me in my sleep I'll give you that one because he's tried that before. But no, this time it's Kadaj sneaking out of his cupboard. He scuttles across the floor to pick up the box with his mother's severed head inside and scurries away again.<br>I sigh lightly and snuggle into Cloud's neck- HOLY SWEET MASAMUNE! Thank Gaia Cloud hadn't seen that box on the floor! Aerith has been praying for me there. Sheesh that was far too close and I hadn't even seen it! Shaking, I grip Cloud tightly again and try to stop my rapid heartbeat.  
>Cloud mumbles something in his sleep and I sigh gently, kissing his ear, "I'm sorry Cloud." I whisper before closing my eyes and eventually falling asleep.<p>

* * *

><p>Review?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2: Slap Fight

**Kadaj in the Cupboard - A Final Fantasy VII Fanfic  
><strong>

**Genre: Humour/Romance  
><strong>

**Rating: T**

**Authoress: Loki((/Mana))**

**Notes: **Absolute random crack written from a role play between me and my friend, Mana. The pairing here IS Clack but it's not essentially the main focus of the story. This is a twoshot. WARNING! There is swearing and things like that hehe..

_**Disclaimer: **_I own no characters or settings portrayed in this piece.

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER 2: Slap Fight<strong>

I yawn widely and let my eyes open slowly, flickering lightly. I catch a glance of Cloud and see he's still asleep so I let my eyes wander around the room for a little while, however after having looked at the same room for five years I get bored of that easily so I sit up, yawning again lightly. I'm just about to move when an arm snakes around my waist, "No.." Cloud mumbles, pulling me back down beside him, "Cuddly.." I smile and play with his hair gently as he falls into a dose then I sigh.

"Can I get up? I wanna go do something.."

"Sorry.." he mumbles, letting me go, "You go do something.." I sit up and scan the room again, looking for Kadaj when it hits me; I'm supposed to have kicked him out but.. I haven't. A wave of guilt crashes over me and I look down at the ground as I stand up.

"Cloud..." I murmur.

"Mm..?" he mumbles back sleepily.

"Hey.. I'm sorry.." I mumble, pulling my clothes on quickly and walking out before he can reply, not wanting to hear him realise what I mean and get upset. I slow down and wander into the ShinRa complex, giving up eventually and leaning on a wall. I look up, sighing. Why do I get distracted so easily? They're just eyes for Jenova's sake.. but... damn those homosexual hormones.. okay that was stereotyping..

"Zack?" I blink and look down out of my thoughts at the small blonde I love now wearing his uniform and carrying a small frown on his brow. When did I become a poet?

"Zack, what's wrong?" he asks. Oh Gaia I have to lie to him again.

"Nothing." I say, smiling weakly, "Why?"  
>"There's something wrong.. you said sorry before. Why?"<p>

I can't lie to him.. I really can't. I hate lying as I've said countless times before and now it's just getting ridiculous. I look down, "...I... lied.." I say quietly.

Cloud frowns deeply, shit Ifrit; that's why I choose to lie sometimes! I remember now.. oh boy, "What about?" he questions sharply.

"Getting.. rid of Kadaj..." Cloud's eyes turn from cold to icy and he glares back over his shoulder, sending daggers of hate to Kadaj.

"So he's still here." he spits venomously, slowly turning back to me and refusing to tone down the glare. I nod dejectedly and turn my head away from him. I know he's upset about me lying and that Kadaj spent another night in our room doing Gaia-knows-what in his cupboard. I know that he'll unleash wrath on both myself and Kadaj.

He clenches his fist, "Zack you said you'd get rid of him!" he cries, I know his eyes are getting more and more furious from experience. Not from myself, but others, "Why the Hell is he still here?"

"I tried, okay!" I attempt, chancing a look at him but I pale in comparison to his frustration.

"What's so hard about telling someone to get out of your house?" Again I look down. There really isn't anything but Kadaj's eyes that stop me.. and I'm not sure I want to tell Cloud that detail.

"I'm sorry..." I mumble, hoping a kicked puppy act might cool him down. It doesn't.

He shakes his head, gritting his teeth, "I'll do it myself." he growls and storms back the way I'm guessing he came. I bite my lip. He's not known for being patient with Kadaj.. I don't want any bloodshed. I follow Cloud swiftly up to our room. Big mistake. If only I had known.

Cloud stomps over to the cupboard and yanks it open harshly, almost pulling the door from the handle, "Kadaj, leave. Now." he barks, glaring a poisonous glare at the remnant who stares up at him defiantly. Why don't their eyes work on each other?

"Zack said I could stay!" Kadaj states, making no indication that he will move. I choose to stand back, knowing this won't end very well.

Cloud grips his hands tighter together, "I don't give one. You're leaving. Now."

"It's not your house. It's mine and Zack's!" he declares defiantly. Cloud just growls, grabs Kadaj by the collar and drags him out. He pulls him up to eye level and glowers at him, "I don't care!" Shoot! Kadaj has some balls not to be melted by the sheer venom in Cloud's voice! Not to mention that fiery death glare he's-

SLAP!

"Jealous!" What...?

SLAP!

"You're jealous!" Oh great..

SLAP!

"I think not!" Gaia how gay was that! That was such an 'Oh no you di'ent!' moment.. Never mind that, how gay is a slap fight? I mean come on we have huge swords here! Hehe.. swords..

SLAP!

"Get out!"

"Uh guys.. please stop it.."

SLAP!

"YOU get out!"

I sigh, leaving them to sort it out. I almost start looking at my nails before realising the situation is already gay enough without that kind of an imput.

SLAP!

"Zack's my boyfriend!"

SLAP!

"Zack's my father!"

Cloud goes to slap back then pauses; his eyes widening slightly, "What?" I'm suddenly interested, I wasn't actually listening - what did they say? Whatever it was, Cloud's looking at me.. he's very worried.

"What does he mean his father..?" he asks me. I feel my eyes widen. What? Hang on back up isn't he the same age as me? No wait I.. I don't actually know how old he is.. Holy Tomberry is he actually my son? I honestly don't know I mean.. I've.. I used to date girls.. back before I met Cloud..

"Oh yeah, that means you're also his son." Kadaj adds brightly. Cloud pales; the statement having been aimed at him.

"Oh God... you..." he faints right there in front of me and I just stare at him.

"I think we scarred him for life." Kadaj says, also peering at the unconscious boy on the ground. I shake my head slowly.

"You did.. I did nothing.." I say quietly.

"You did him last night." Kadaj reminds me.

"Oh... yeah..." Crap... that means..

"You did your son." I have nothing to say to that.. what can I say other than 'I know'? I mean.. I... I look up... shit..

Kadaj chuckles lightly and waves a small wave before walking over to his cupboard and slipping inside. I shake my head and look back down. My eyes fall on Cloud and I slowly reach down to pick him up. I take him to our bed slowly, still processing the news. I place him down carefully and sit beside him. I bury my head in my hands then yet again a certain silver haired creature decides to make himself known. Man, I wish he'd just disappear!

"Dad, why does he get priority?" he asks. I'm guessing he means the bed thing. I choose to ignore him. I can't take him being a petulant child right now. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm somehow a father and I've been... yeah.. with one of my.. sons...

"You're not being fair!" he insists. Oh Gaia strike him down now.. no strike ME down right now...

"Please.. just shut up.." I tell him weakly.

"You don't love me, do you?" Oh now... that's... don't say that, you know how that sort of thing affects me... My lack of audible answer prooves as enough of a reply to Kadaj and he throws himself into his cupboard, crying hysterically.

"Mother! Father doesn't love meeee!" he wails. I sigh heavily and slowly step over to his cupboard and I open the door a little more to look at him. He is hugging the box with his mother's head and rocking on the spot with tears and snot dribbling down his cheeks and lips.. ughh... father duties.. I'm just glad I didn't have to change his nappy.. crap I just cursed it didn't I..

"Kadaj.. don't cry..."

"But you don't love me!" he cries, sniffling.

"Kadaj.. I... I do love you... don't cry okay? Please..?" I hope that this is enough and thankfully it is as he sniffs and smiles at me. I sigh mentally and smile back at him weakly. I ruffle his hair and stand up shakily. I move slowly and lean against a wall, watching both Kadaj and Cloud. Why did this have to happen?

Cloud groans softly and stirs. He blinks groggily, staring up for a moment before turning to look at me.

"Please tell me you were joking.." he begs. Would that I could, Cloud.. would that I could..

"I'm.. not sure.." I tell him quietly. He groans and turns his head away, "Cloud.. I'm sorry.." I try. I don't know how this would help but it's all I can find to say right now. Cloud just shakes his head.

"Kill me now.. just kill me now.." he mumbles, pulling a pillow onto his head. Kadaj jumps up happily.

"Okay!"

"OI!" I yell, making him jump and stop bounding towards Cloud, "No!" I tell him sternly and he backs away, grumbling. I sigh heavily and look up, leaning back against the wall.

"How did this happen...?" Cloud asks generically, his voice muffled by the pillow.

"I.. don't know.." I answer.

Kadaj, happy as ever, jumps in to answer, "It's simple!" he declares, "Zack and Mother's cells were fused and mother created us!" he beamed with delight. Damn I must have gotten drunk. But right now that is the last thing I want to hear so I shoot a very unhappy glare at him, telling him with my eyes that it had been a rhetorical question. Kadaj looks equally as upset, but for different reasons.

He looks tearful and whines, "It's not my fault!" I sigh, grabbing my head in frustration. He's such a baby! I can't take this anymore! I voice this loudly and storm out of the room, shaking with anger, confusion and frustration. I keep walking until Cloud's voice makes me stop in my tracks.

"BASTARD!" I feel my eyes widen and turn back to see Kadaj zooming towards me with an enraged Cloud charging after him.

"ZAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKK! SAVE MEEEE!" he screams as Cloud shoots various blasts of ice, fire and lightning at him, yelling and screaming as Kadaj runs for his life. What the hell...?

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Cloud hollers after Kadaj.

I stand and stare after them, "Hey.. what's going on?" I shout after them. I doubt that they'll hear me but miraculously Cloud does and turns to face me.

"It was all a joke!" he screeches in outrage. I just stare at him. A.. joke..?

Kadaj peeks out from around the end of the corridor, "April.. fools?" I feel Ifrit burn inside me and growl loudly.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!" I roar, charging after him as he screams and runs away from both myself and Cloud. We give chase to him, speeding up and gaining on him with all of our pent up anger and the pure rage of the Ifrit inside us. Cloud holds his buster sword, gritting and baring his teeth at the silver haired bastard and for a second I am distracted by it. Where the heck had it come from? Shrugging mentally I faced Kadaj again. I lean down to become more streamlined and with a burst of inner puppy energy I grab him by the collar and yank him back. Panting heavily I drag him in front of Cloud who glares at him with heavy malice.

"Do the honours Cloud." I tell him. Cloud nods and smirks.

"Gladly." He brings down the Buster Sword and slices Kadaj through the head. The remnant falls over and dies on the floor before evaporating into the green mist of the lifestream and ridding us of his childishness once and for all.

I sigh and brush myself off.

"Okay.. that was... annoying." Cloud says, glaring at the spot that hd been Kadaj two seconds ago. Understatement of the year there, Spikey. Understatement full stop.

Cloud steps over to me and hugs me tightly, so I rest my head on his spikey golden locks. It's now that I realise I am trembling with the expulsion of the adrenaline. Blimey, that was a big word too..

Cloud feels me trembling and strokes my back, "Hey.. it's okay.. he's gone now.." he says soothingly. Once again I sigh softly and pull away slightly to lean in and kiss him lightly.

"Thanks, Cloud." He just smiles and rests his head on my shoulder. We stay embraced like this for a while. Who knows how long, it doesn't really matter. As long as I have my boyfriend back nothing else really matters.

"GUESS WHAT!" I jump out of my skin and so does Cloud and we both almost end up on the floor in shock. I turn to find out who ruined my special moment with Cloud and come face to face with a hyperactive red haired turk. The one and only Reno.

I shake my head, "I don't know, you finally decided you were gay and slept with Rude only to find out he's a cyborg from the planet marshmellow and his secret objective was to make a mold of your penis so he can create a miniature souvenir from Midgar to take home?" I asked. Yeah it was wierd but from Reno, I could expect that. I hear Cloud snort with laughter beside me.

"No! Even wierder!" he exclaimed. I raise my eyebrow and so does Cloud. What can be wierder than that? Oh and he hasn't noticed I've insulted him there... neither have you probably.. go back and check it out... got it yet? Imagine a grin here.

"Rude's pregnant!" WHAT.. the fuck?

"What? How?"

"I don't know!" he replys incredulously, throwing his arms up into the air as he does so. Well it kinda hints truth towards my theory that he's a cyborg... kinda... not really...

"Are you sure you're not just gay?" Cloud says.

"Yeah, that's much easier to believe." I decide out loud, shaking my head.

"Really?" I nod in unison with Cloud. Reno frowns and looks down grabbing his chin in thought, "Damn..."

I shake my head again. What the heck has this guy been smoking? At least he's not trying to rape me... yet..

"Well.. GUESS WHAT!" he screams, making me wince. Why does he have to be so loud?

"What?" I shout back at him.

"I'm gay and I fucked Tseng!" I widen my eyes slightly then once again - Giaia this is getting repetative - I shake my head, smiling lightly.

"Finally." I say.

"Yeah!" Reno grins broadly, "Got the old man out of his suit for once." He winks cheekily and my eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. Oh God, bad images! BAD images BAD BAD! Someone get them out! Oh sweet mother of Jenova with a bucket of Cactuars and Ch-

"Haha, April Fools, guys." I stop and stare at him as he saunters off. What...? I hear Cloud sigh and take my hand. He pulls me down the corridor and heads towards our kitchen to make us both some much needed breakfast.

This has been one hell of a day and it's not even eleven o'clock yet...

Wait is it even April?

**FIN**

* * *

><p>Review?<p> 


End file.
